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“Experience is Forever”–Pre-Teens Overjoyed at DeBeers’ Recently Launched Summer Camp

Dante Dorr

October 1, 2022


In a statement made to the press, a DeBeers spokesman has announced the opening of a summer camp in a Botswana mine that will provide preteens with a valuable and insightful internship opportunity.

The unpaid internship program would allow the micro-entrepreneurs to work for “24 fun, uninterrupted hours under safe, careful observation.” Educational games will be one of the central components of the camp, such as Shovel, which involves shoveling dirt to get rough diamonds. MineShaft, another game described as an “endless pool of fun”, allows kids to crawl through narrow underground tunnels in a scavenger hunt for diamonds – additional points will be awarded to kids who catch malaria.

One camp counselor and war criminal, Joseph Zoundeiko, believes that this internship is an amazing and life-altering opportunity for pre-teens. “Personally, I see this as a turning point for many at-risk children,” stated Zoundeiko while using seven crouched children as a seat, “it allows them to be in an environment where they can learn and really feel respected.”

“It’s revolutionary, really,” said Bruce Cleaver, CEO of the DeBeers group. “We enslave–allow, sorry–these kids to mine diamonds and get a very hands-on experience that will help them in the future to, uh, mine diamonds?”

However, the DeBeers Group has long been subject to intense scrutiny for allegedly hosting recruitment camps in daycare centers across the United States among other allegations that they have been hiring children for manual labor. The new summer camp is no exception to this pattern of criticism.

One child rights activist, George Lamplough, has been an outspoken critic of the DeBeers Group. “I can’t believe we’re still allowing this in 2021,” tweeted Lamplough, “this clearly slavery? 💀💀💀 smh my head.” (sic).

Zoundeiko, however, believes that critics are being too hasty to put labels on what is intended to be a gift to our society’s sacred children. “During my trial in the Hague, in which I was accused of the mass kidnapping and murder of a rural elementary school, I came to a realization: I had a passion for teaching and being around children. And, really, the only thing I’m really guilty of is pursuing my passion. So when people like Lamplough discredit my passion by calling it names like ‘child slavery’ and ‘exploitation’, it really hurts my feelings and denies these kids the opportunity to grow as people.”

These claims are largely backed up by studies. According to a study published by the DeBeers group, 114% of the summer camp participants reported feeling “overjoyed that they had the opportunity to participate,” and 113% believed that they would “receive good benefits for future employment that makes manual labor absolutely worth it and fun and awesome.” The publishers noted the rather high percentage of respondents, attributing it to the “tubular magic of the place.”

However, another study published by the Youth Labour Organization, found that environments which employ child labor could result in exploitation and unfair working conditions for the employer. The study displayed several videos depicting young workers ingesting small, expensive, lego-shaped rough diamonds, which result in the loss of the employer’s precious profits.

Nonetheless, DeBeers is hopeful that this camp will bring carats of brilliance into the world. “We hope that people will be able to see past the false criticism and fake news,” emphasized Cleaver, “because we’re trying to change the world by making experience, work, and joy accessible to everyone. One small, financially desperate child at a time.”

The children were unavailable for comment.