December 2, 2021
The PE swim unit is the one thing students fear more than anything else in the school year, a recent report by the Model Pew Research Center Club has found. The age-old question has long circulated around the student body: who thought of the Swim Unit, and what is its purpose? Perhaps it’s a plot to leach away our body heat to power the rest of the school. Or perhaps it’s a ploy to bring morale so low that we start to appreciate other classes. To find out, the Model Pew Research Center Club launched a poll last week and the results are startling.
Whatever its objective, a majority 75% of students liked the PE Swim Unit to other torture methods such as hanging and quartering. 60% agreed that the unit violated all four of the Geneva conventions for reasons such as: forcing a student to squeeze into a swimsuit in the clammy changing rooms, and sinking into the cold waters of despair.
“The stench of chlorine just permeates your pores and leaves your hair permanently damp.” says anonymous poller, shuddering at the thought of it.
Given how strong the smell is, you’d think the water would be clean. Well, ur-ine for a nasty surprise. It is precisely because that strong smell that you know germs, debris, and bodily fluids have chemically reacted with the chlorine tablets, which would otherwise be odorless, helping to produce the eau-de-swimming pool that we all know and hate.
There have been anonymous rumours about the PE teachers being disappointed that the Swim Unit, of all of them, had been rated the most ‘torturous’ by approximately 80% of the student body. Whistleblowers say that the teachers plan to raise the difficulty of the Fitness Unit next year to compete. “I just wish anyone next year good luck,” the report concludes grimly.
Image from Unsplash