Students on the Art of Procrastination
February 6, 2021
In every class, there always seems to be at least one student known for their otherworldly abilities in putting off work until the night before the due date. These individuals have almost reached a god-level echelon in the student body, with many curious students scratching their heads and ruminating upon the mysterious methods of these so-called ‘procrastinators’.
“What is the meaning of their holy work, and what is their end goal?” people often ask.
We undertook the task of tracking down such a student, and finally came across one in his natural habitat -- surrounded by a stack of unopened textbooks, 3-week old worksheets harboring healthy fungal colonies, and a 67-tab window on a computer screen, with each showing a different cat video on YouTube. When questioned about his bewildering practices and ultimate motives, the procrastinator simply gave a wry smile.
“The so-called ‘responsible students’ don’t know the true zen of The Art of Stalling,” he said. “Instead of naively rushing to get the assignment done as soon as possible, we meditate and immerse ourselves within the universal current of life. Ours is to scroll until we discover a new form of fire from finger friction, game until our computer fans rival the force of Hurricane Katrina, and view 4K pornography until our internet bill puts us in crippling debt. All to await that divine epiphany that strikes us eventually, the one that instills within us all the knowledge in the world to finish the assignment in a panic-fueled roid rage.”
Such an elegant system appears to be employed by the true visionaries of the classroom. These students deserve our utmost respect, as their impeccable methods have allowed them to achieve assignment-induced nirvana and transcend to a different plane of self-awareness and success. While critics have pointed out that these methods create “unnecessary stress” and fail to beget assignments that meet the grading standards of most teachers, the procrastinators reply with one simple statement: diamonds can only be made under pressure.